I’m a religious woman-I always have been but in all honesty-right now God and I are fighting.
Frankly, He/She probably isn’t fighting back and it’s a very one sided fight as it is me who isn’t happy with the aforementioned deity.
I realized this a few days after my last neurologist appointment. I left the office angry; I thought it was because I was told that the rest of my life is going to consist of taking pills; turns out I wasn’t mad about just that. I was mad because 3 1/2 years ago, in the blink of an eye I felt like the powerful all-knowing deity that I had trusted for so many years had left me alone. With a big slap in my brain I had been told that I was most definitely not in charge of anything in my life, absolutely nothing, and there was nothing that I could do about that fact.
From a religious standpoint it seemed as though I were being punished; I couldn’t thank God for my miraculous life in one breathe and then tell Him how I truly felt in another. It seemed, and seems, totally contradictory. .
And so I’ve grown angrier.
I watch loved ones pray and do their devotions, with awe, semi-wanting, semi-dreading to do the same. I’ve gone to church-done all of my usual piety, almost daring God to burst in the door and prove himself to me-
Prove that I’m not being punished
Prove that I’m not alone
Prove that He has actually heard each and every one of my cries and pleas
Prove that everything I’m dealing with is not actually more than I can handle, more than my weary shoulders can carry–
I’ve left the door unlocked but He still hasn’t burst through, still hasn’t made any declarations to contradict the angry thoughts in my head, heart and soul.
It occurs to me that maybe it would just be easier to stop believing but a) it’s not in my nature to quit and b) I know. I know God exists.
And like so many of our problems between one another it dawns on me that perhaps the problem lies in me and not in God. He’s not the one carrying a load of anger towards me. . .
Maybe what I need to be doing is less yelling and more trusting
Less control and more yielding
Less anger and more gratitude
Less unbelief and more faith
Maybe what I need to be working on is forgiveness.
Because forgiveness is so much less about the other person-forgiveness is about us-you and I-the wronged and afflicted.
God doesn’t need to be forgiven by me; I need to forgive Him.
The path of forgiveness and I are about to become good friends. It will be a long, hard, gut wrenching path for me. I know there will be times that I will want to quit, times that I will want to grasp the anger that I have shrouded myself in for so long, times that I will once again be filled with questions. However, like I mentioned, I don’t know how to quit. So I will trudge forward with a bleeding heart and oftentimes bleeding feet clinging to the belief that God is all around me, in the hearts and eyes of my loved ones, in the beauty around me, and even in despair and darkness I will choose to believe.
I don’t know how to quit.
Soon, I’ll know how to forgive.