I wish this post was about bittersweet chocolate but sadly it is not.
The sweet…yesterday was my baby’s 5th birthday; we’ll call her Tessa for the sake of anonymity. Tessa is and will forever be my baby, whether she’s 5 or 55.
Let me start at the beginning. After Ruby (our oldest) was two years old Kirk and I decided it was time to add on to our little family. I’ll be completely honest; Ruby was a hard little lady to handle from about 18 months to 4-ish she pretty much had a temper tantrum every day. I promise I’m not exaggerating, if it wasn’t one thing it was another; goodness those years were hard. Even considering having another little one to care for was too much for my brain to handle, so we waited a couple years. I’m the sort of person that once I think something should happen it should just happen. I came to realize it doesn’t exactly work that way for me with having babies. From the time we made up our minds to have another baby to the time we got pregnant was about a year and a half. I know for some that is a short amount of time to try and others that is a lifetime. For Kirk and me it felt like a lifetime. We really really wanted another baby and each month it didn’t happen was pretty heartbreaking. We tried to be patient but we were almost to the point of scheduling an appointment with an Endocrinologist, in fact I think I had made an appointment for January of the following year. Well we didn’t need to go that route, thankfully.
Christmas morning I had the “brilliant” idea to take a pregnancy test; I know not so much a brilliant idea. I really was just thinking, there is no way I could be pregnant, I’ll just take this so I can go on with my Christmas morning. Was I surprised; I think I used both tests in the box, just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. I WAS PREGNANT!!! Kirk and I were elated; it seemed too good to be true.
Here is where the bitter comes in…yesterday as we celebrated Tessa being five and starting her own five year old adventures of kindergarten in about a month and just getting older, I was sad. I know, what do I have to be sad about? I have two healthy happy girls. I understand that there are thousands of couples who don’t even have one child and suffer everyday because of it. I’m sad because for 3 years now Kirk and I have been trying to have another baby. My heart is sad today because I didn’t see myself here, still trying, still feeling that ache that another baby is suppose to be in our family. I’m trying to be patient, but there are days I want to throw a big ole’ pity party. I try not to let the negative thoughts consume me, but to be completely honest those thoughts creep in and I get sad. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for the two beautiful girls that I do have and I truly do cherish them. But I also feel in every part of my being that there is another little one that is meant to be here. One day, I’m not sure when, but one day we will have another baby. For now, I’ll be a little sad. Tomorrow I’ll get myself out of bed, hug, snuggle and kiss those cute girls and keep on going. What else is there to do?
I am a stay at home Mom of two sweet girls. I am a half Asian half Hispanic girl who grew up in Southern California married to a white boy from Colorado. I am an identical twin. To be perfectly honest, I feel completely inadequate to even attempt to write down my thoughts, but here I am regardless. This opportunity is me trying to put a small part of myself outside of the box. There are a few things I know for sure but many things I feel passionate about. I hope that through this experience not only can I grow but someone somewhere can relate to the things I share. I would love to hear from you, you can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org! Happy reading!